What I wanted this week was this…
What I got this week, was this…
As much as I would have loved to have spent many lazy mornings lounging around in bed with a cuddly hunk, followed by afternoons in the sunshine reading books, eating yummy treats and shopping for lingerie and shoes, life had other things in store for me this past week.
I have been struck down with the dreaded man flu and the only companion in my bed has been some snotty tissues and a laptop that has overdosed on Netflix. My paperwork, both domestic and business, has been piling up and pure fear has stopped me from checking my work emails. This, however, is not as bad as it may seem. I am grateful to only be suffering with a cold. With all the diagnosis’ and ailments thrown at me over the last few months, a cough and a blocked nose is actually a blessing and I am pleased to report that I have healed perfectly after my laparoscopy. Whatever the surgeons did to ease my painful endometriosis symptoms seemed to have worked, for now.
The washing up, and all other domestic chores, are piling up and the shithole I am currently living in is quite the sight to behold. Although I fear an E-Coli outbreak any moment now, I must admit it is not the man flu that has let my home turn into a giant health and safety breach. I am actually on strike. My son and Weston have been taking advantage of my motherly nature recently and, in order to teach them both a valuable lesson, I have refrained from doing anything remotely domesticated for the last few days. This strike is set to continue until the end of the week and, although they have both been avoiding the dirty dishes in the sink and have not yet discovered where the vacuum cleaner is kept, Weston has become quite the little laundry maid and my son has taken it upon himself to ensure the cupboards are stocked with the necessities and the rubbish bags are taken outside. My plan was for them to realise just how much I do for them, by not doing anything, and for them to consequently be more grateful and not take me for granted. Sadly, the fact that I changed the WiFi password to simulate what happens when I don’t pay the bills, is much more likely to be the motivation behind their reluctant domestic actions. That, and the fact that neither of them have any clean pants.
I also have an unexplained cut on my bottom lip. My guess is that this occurred during one of my recent, vivid dreams. I don’t know why my dreams have turned into these very realistic, surreal experiences, but I’m going to put it down to the vast amount of medication I am on and the slight fever accompanying my man flu. Over the last few nights, my dreams have seen me going on a Knight’s quest with Slim, having some uneventful and disappointing sex with Jason ‘Wee Man’ Acuna, watching my window cleaner run for Leader of UKIP by presenting the nation with some pretty piss poor moped stunts and having a full blown argument about flower pressing with Stephen ‘Steve-O’ Glover while both completely naked. As an insomniac, I am just grateful to have gotten some rest, as well as some entertainment!
On the plus side, a nice boy gave me some throat lozenges and wished me a speedy return to full health this week. Having seen a status about my ill health on Facebook, he posted said lozenges through my door with an accompanying post-it note that read,
‘Thanks for having me round at the weekend. Hope you feel better soon. xxx’
I met him at the weekend when in the local pub with Blue, Billy, Handsome, Jiminy and the rest of our motley crew. Although he is well known to them, I can’t recall ever meeting him before. As the party left the pub and landed, as usual, back at my house, this nice boy, who we shall call Tasha’s Ex (for that’s exactly who he is) was particularly attentive and keen to engage in conversation with me for most of the evening. The house got pretty crowded that night, what with Handsome pulling a webcam pornstar and Weston turning up with his sound system and a group of mates. When the party died down, around 11am on the Saturday morning, Tasha’s Ex, Jiminy and I curled up on the sofa under the duvet and binge watched every episode of the new Scream TV series on Netflix. Tasha’s Ex had insinuated he wanted to lick my pussy, but I had declined his offer. I don’t know why. He’s kind of cute and I haven’t had sex in ages, but it just didn’t feel right. I blame the Cricketer. He refuses to leave my head, or my Facebook inbox, despite my protests that absolutely nothing will happen between us while he still has a girlfriend.
So there it is, my week in a lurgy filled nutshell. Today I need to prize myself from the comfort of my king size bed as, although I am happy to let home life and work take a back seat for a little while, my recent leap back into the world of education is not one I am willing to sacrifice. I have to practice my Spanish, ‘Estoy aprendiendo a hablar espanol’ and I am thoroughly enjoying my course on Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL). Luckily, neither of these things currently require me leaving the house and braving the miserable, rainy October weather.
Alcohol: A lot…but only on Friday night when socialising with friends, and it didn’t lead to any bad decisions being made, so I’m counting that as a win!
Meat: Still veggie, still proud!
Caffeine: 0…I’m going to pretend that the caffeine in cold and flu remedies doesn’t count.
Mental Health: Really, really good :)
Physical Health: Mediocre, but with no complaints :)