Very few women opt to become a single parent, but regardless of how they find themselves in that situation, there are a few hurdles that nobody warns them about…like never being able to use the bathroom without an audience or becoming the sole designated driver for a tiny person with a more active social calendar than you. Of course, these little irks are all part and parcel of being a parent and when a single mother finally gets to put her feet up at the end of the day, she is fully aware that her children are worth every last yoghurt stained t-shirt.
Despite this, a girl has needs. She may be a mother but she is also a woman and, every now and again when she’s not too exhausted or busy washing the regurgitated milk out of her hair, she’s going to get a little horny. Nobody warns the single mother just how difficult it’s going to be to scratch that particular itch. Until now. Ladies, I’ve been there and done that, so here is my advice to you…
1) Unless you’re the kind of woman who is happy to be traipsing various ‘uncles’ through the house, you’re going to want to wait until the kids are at their grandparents/a birthday party/an extra curricular activity before you invite any man friend round to play. This takes planning. Say goodbye to spontaneous quickies over the kitchen sink, because your sex life is going to become a carefully organised mission akin to a special ops excursion into enemy territory. You need to arrange where the kids are going, what time they’ll be back, whether you’re collecting them or if a kindly neighbour is dropping them off. You have to pre-empt the possibility of cancellation or early return. Do they have a key? What is your man’s escape route should you be caught in a compromising position when the kids come bounding through the front door? Timing and discipline are everything. If your man friend is even 5 minutes late, you won’t have enough time to pull your knickers down, let alone reach a level of sexual satisfaction.
2) Should you be happy for your man friend to spend the evening with you while the children are at home, you’re going to need to learn the art of quiet sex. And I mean, really quiet sex! Its all good at the beginning. Kissing and caressing are usually gentle activities and, in the beginning, you’re still keeping one ear on high alert for the pitter-patter of tiny feet in the hallway. As things become a little more intense with your man friend, you’re at risk of dropping your guard. The headboard may start to bang, his breathing becomes heavier and you start moaning and groaning in pangs of ecstasy. THIS is the exact moment when your child will burst through the bedroom door and cry, ‘Mummy! Are you OK?’ Trust me when I say ‘What are you doing?’ is not a question you ever want to answer when you have a sweaty man wedged between your thighs.
3) The single mother has to remember to always keep the garden tidy. It’s very easy to let the bikini line grow out a bit or leave your legs until they look like Chewbacca’s before you decide to shave. After all, being a single mum is physically and emotionally draining, so you can be forgiven if personal preening finds its way to the bottom of the To Do list. I strongly advise, however, that you make the extra effort. This, combined with having your lover’s number on speed dial, is going to save you precious minutes when you’re presented with that rare opportunity of a spontaneous invite, ‘would your child like to come to tea?’ Yes! Yes they would!
4) As a lone parent you’re highly unlikely to want to risk an unexpected pregnancy, so contraception is advised. More than this, you’re not going to want to catch an STI that leaves you unable to sit properly for the next two weeks until the antibiotics kick in. You have children to run around after and any form of illness is too great a burden. Condoms are obviously the most effective prevention against these two actualities. Keep them out of the reach of children. Seriously…HIDE THE CONDOMS! Younger children will be thrilled to discover a new batch of balloons to celebrate the dog’s birthday with, and older children, if they’re as smart as mine, will count the damn things to see if Mummy’s getting any action while their backs are turned!
5) If you’re having a rare evening out and are hoping to bump into some illustrious hunk for one night of pure, unadulterated filth, then preparation is the key. Firstly, empty your purse of pacifiers and fairy hair clips…pulling them out at an inopportune moment is going to ruin the ‘sexy, allusive female’ image you’ve worked all evening to maintain. A quick double check of your appearance and clothing is required before leaving the house too…those pesky Avengers stickers get everywhere.
Taking him back to your place is a no-no unless you want to risk the disapproving looks of your hunk as he steps over Tonka toys to get to your bedroom. The car is always a possibility, but let’s face it, empty happy meal boxes and booster seats are likely to be a mood killer. His place is the best option, so make sure you have enough money for the taxi home and the babysitter knows not to call unless your child is caught in a house fire or other extreme emergency. A phone call just before climax asking where the wet wipes are kept is not something your dignity will ever recover from.
6) As a single mother, you have to apply a little extra scrutiny when purchasing sex toys. The purpose of the sex aide may be the same as that of any other woman, but the environment in which it is going to be used, is not. If it resembles anything remotely child friendly, if it is brightly coloured, sparkly or makes an interesting jingle jangle noise, then it will inevitably find it’s way into the kid’s toybox. You don’t want to have to explain that to the babysitter. I cannot stress enough the importance of storing your sex toys out of the reach of small children. My son was 3 years old when he ran into the kitchen with my vibrator and declared to his assembled grandparents, ‘this is Mummy’s toy!’ Seriously ladies, HIDE YOUR DAMN DILDO!
A single mother also has to consider the durability and performance of her sex toy. They don’t come cheap and if it breaks you’ll have the gut wrenching decision of having to live without one, or buy a new one and suffer the guilt of knowing you could have brought the children something nice with the money if you weren’t such a horny bitch. Also, make sure your sex aide is quiet. Nothing kills your buzz like worrying about how far down the corridor your ‘buzz’ can be heard. Remember – A noisy sex toy is a useless sex toy.
Satisfying your sexual urges as a single mother isn’t easy. When you have a child it often feels like you’ve given up your right to the simple things like privacy, a social life and clean clothes, but where there’s a will, there’s a way. With a little forward planning and attention to detail, you can get your rocks off nearly as much as your single, non-child rearing friends.